As seen in The COCO Magazine!
“Love is stronger than pride.” No, it is not. “Ain’t too proud to beg?” You should be. “Love conquers all?” Wrong again. We conquer love! These loves songs and sayings have it all wrong; we’ve been taught all wrong. It’s been airbrushed; auto filtered, packaged into disillusionment and sugar coated in a thick layer of fantasy. This is what is fundamentally wrong with how we understand love as children, adolescents and what leads to our unrealistic expectations as adults. Don’t get me wrong, love is beautiful and wonderful with all the trimmings, however, it’s just not as easy and whimsical as a glass slipper and true love’s kiss made it seem.
Love is not stronger than pride. Pride, however, is necessary for true love to thrive. It’s easier to believe that if we truly love someone our pride shouldn’t matter –most of the times we feel like relinquishing our pride it’s when we are caught up in fogs of desperation and weakness on the brinks of losing our warped misguided perception of what love is. Just like it hard for that toddler to give up the binky or their nappy time blanket, it’s incredibly hard for us to let go of this idea that love is all captivating and all powerful and will always cushion our falls and lick our wounds. You cannot love without pride, and love should never challenge or threaten your pride. Not real love anyway. If love is patient and kind and does not insist on its own way etc, then pride should easily co exist with love. When we lose our pride in the name of love we leave room for accepting all the negative things and pain and hurt that we confuse as being part of the process of loving. Pride is sense of satisfaction in us, a form of self-admiration and self-love. Each of us needs something to pride ourselves in as it is directly connected to our self-esteem. Self-esteem and pride are essential, in the sense that self love is a pre requisite for being able to love someone else and allowing someone else to love you. It also helps set a precedent for what you will and will not accept in a relationship. It allows you to know you are too good to be cheated on, lied to, used, or strung along – in the name of “love.”
Be too proud to beg. If it’s true love, real love, you shouldn’t have to beg. It should come easy, and if it isn’t easy, it should come with a collective effort. Never let anyone make you feel like you have to get on your knees until they’re bloody red to get them to love you or commit to you. If they truly loved you, they would not subject you to that type of humiliation and desperation. Let me just state here that I don’t want to sound like a pessimist, or Maleficent for lack of a better example. I believe in going to great lengths for the person that you love – sweeping them of their feet etc, but if you have to reduce yourself to begging, that person does not respect you, and if they don’t respect you then they definitely do not love you. When someone says they don’t want you, or don’t love you, believe them. When someone shows you they don’t love you or want you or appreciate you, believe them. There are so many ways of begging, so many forms of desperation. Accepting the minimum, collecting crumbs and attempting to build a mountain from them. Accepting the negative behaviors – the cheating, the lying, any form of abuse. In these situations we are begging for love, we are desperate for love, and this is why people stay. Again there is no love that should be stronger than your pride – because pride is at the core of your self-love.
Again don’t get me wrong. There are times when we must be able to put our pride aside, for example, admitting we are wrong, compromising, admitting and accepting our flaws, asking for forgiveness, seeking resolutions in a relationship. Pride comes in handy at other times though, and here is another reason we should have it – if someone tells you they don’t love you, and you are madly in love with them, that pride is going to be your protection from not only begging, but from losing yourself to that person. You need that pride and that strength to say, “Okay, she/he doesn’t love me? I’m not going to let my love be known, I’m going put out that flame inside me day by day until it burns no more, rather than letting it destroy me. Because I know I am worth something and I am proud of who I am.”
Conquering love should be our ultimate desire and ultimate goal, not eagerly waiting to be conquered by love. Love, unlike what we are taught to believe, requires effort, sustained effort. As wonderful as it is to believe that love captivates us and is this effortless fairytale, that is so far from the truth. Love is like a garden, and you reap what you sow. When you find love, you must plant it, water it, give it sunlight, weed it –all of these things with tender care, and then enjoy what it bears. How magnificent of a garden can you grow? Are you willing to give the time and energy and commitment? Are you willing to keep pushing on through droughts? Can you conquer love? Because it’s then and only then that you can truly experience it to the fullest and bask in its warm rays. If we let love conquer us we relinquish all control, and love, if you think about in the metaphor I described it as above, requires control. I once read a quote that stuck with me, “fall, but with you’re eyes wide open.” Let go, fall in love, but stay in the moment, be there, be present, don’t disappear into a delusional fantasy.
Being in love, in the romantic sense, is two people agreeing, committing, and investing in giving and receiving love exclusively to each other for whatever reasons they see in the other person that makes them believe they are worth it. And that is a beautiful thing. To meet someone you feel is worth it, so much so that your heart opens all the way to let them in, and pours out goodness to them like Niagara Falls. My best advice when you do find that love, and you plant it, is to not forget the most important and necessary fertilizer, which of course is our Lord and Savior. This is the very first step to conquering love.
Categories: The COCO Magazine