Let’s talk abut (casual) SEX!

Catching feelings? Read my latest article in the COCO Magazine! 

Let’s talk about sex baby, and the miscommunication that comes with it! Let me start with a disclaimer and say that in no way do I promote casual sex, sex before marriage, or sex outside of a monogamous relationship. The only thing I support is my motto, which has always been to: make sure you know yourself before you let anyone else know you. Causal sex is not for everyone, and that’s okay! Nonetheless, it is happening and emotions get involved. I am getting on the men today! Men are you ready for some good old bashing? I kid. I only seek to challenge you to see things from a different perspective.


Men you seem to be overly concerned or have some sort of OCD surrounding the idea of women “catching feelings” after sex, particularly good sex. You freak out and run in the opposite direction when you observe what you consider symptoms of “attachment”.  A word of advice, some of you need to go through more formal training because when you don’t rule out other possibilities, or perform a full comprehensive assessment, you tend to misdiagnose!

Why is it that men chronically assume women “catch feelings” or are being “emotional” or “crazy” in relation to sex ….good sex? I’m really curious as to what the criteria is for making the determination that a woman has “caught feelings”? For the record, some of you men really need to ask a woman if the sex is good before you stroke your egos. The song “Yuh nuh ready fi dis yet” by Tanya Stephen’s comes to mind.  A word of friendly advice, if you don’t know when a woman orgasms then you need to step your game up. You want to be exceptional? Know the moment right before a woman orgasms.

Now, back to the topic at hand. Too often women are labeled or brushed off as “emotional”. The correct label, which could actually apply to both men and women, is “emotionally immature”. Not to insult anyone who has ever been the one to catch feelings. Sex is a very intimate personal thing; it’s not unusual to “catch feelings”. Like I said, know yourself before you let anyone know you. For a lot of young adults the 20’s are thriving with casual sex experiences. Some handle it better than others, both men and women. Generally speaking, it is the emotionally immature people who are more susceptible to become attached, and are unable to handle casual sex (but this could still happen to anyone). Know the difference if you are dealing with a girl, or if you are dealing with a woman. Know if she is playing in the major leagues or if she is playing in the minor leagues. It makes a huge difference; it’s like knowing the difference between a touchdown and a lay-up. It’s important! Guess what? Some women are emotionally mature enough to handle casual sex and not get caught up.

So why do men become so paranoid, so OCD? Why is that when a woman does something like calls you “baby” or asks you to stay the night you start obsessing over the idea that she’s emotionally attached, that she’s going to start making demands and pressuring you for a relationship, or that you are going to break her heart? After the obsession builds along comes the compulsions, doing things repeatedly to quell the anxiety caused by the obsessions – things that show her you don’t want a relationship. Brushing her off, seeing her less, and diverting conversation topics. Men, here’s a suggestion that might be incredibly difficult for you all to grasp, how about you do a check in, talk to the woman, ASK her where her mind is at. Oh my gosh, talk to a woman like a human being? Gasp! The mistake men make is treating women like cattle. When you treat women like cattle you assume every noise they are making is all animal noise – and is all the same thing. Stop being such a prick. There is nothing wrong with dating multiple women casually if this is made clear to them. But every woman is different, so really while you are there worried about her catching feelings, and you’re falling back because you think she is attached, she has boyfriend number 1 and 2 and you are just playing number 3. Oh what bad mon don’t play number 3? Yeah, yeah you do.

Men are the biggest and worst assumers. Trust me, if you ask a woman, she can tell you exactly how she feels, what she wants, and what she needs. We know exactly what we want; sometimes you all just fail to ask. Instead usually it goes like this: a woman speaks, instead of asking for clarification a man interprets what she says wrong, his action reflects the misinterpretation, the woman gets frustrated, her actions reflect it and a chaotic mess is created in which the woman is labeled as “emotional” or “crazy.” Communication can solve a heck of a lot of problems. I saw on Facebook once a “booty call application” where specifications were laid out for what and what a person can get being under that “buddy” or casual sex title. Whoever created the application as a joke may actually be onto something. Of course not exactly the way it’s presented, but being on the same page with someone you are sexually involved with is actually a really ingenious idea.  Go figure!

There are levels of casual sex. Everyone has different limits and boundaries as to what they give along with the sex, and what they can handle giving or receiving. There is the bang boom and we’re done. Then there’s the lets cuddle and kick it after, maybe even watch a movie or two, chat it up, or go grab some food. Everyone is different, everyone can handle different levels, and not everyone can handle all levels.

Women are affectionate creatures by nature, we are nurturers, I will agree with that. Sometimes men mistake this intrinsic quality for attachment. A woman wants to rub your back or cook you a meal once in a while and you think, “Oh gosh she wants to be my girlfriend! I have to stop sexing her for good”. ` Maybe the woman just felt like doing something nice. Chill; like I said earlier, major leagues versus minor leagues. In the major leagues you are going to find women who may want to have their cake and eat it too. They may want all the good stuff, the cuddles, the romance etc without the relationship/commitment, and you will find they are totally capably of handling this. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong and it’s the man who is terrified that if a woman does these things he may get attached. If you are playing in the minor leagues, please don’t neglect the communication tool. Yes, honesty is still the best policy nothing’s changed. Give a woman the choice to decide if she can handle what you are offering, more importantly be clear on what you are offering. “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.”

Okay so you are asking “what about the girl who says she can handle casual sex, then gets attached?” When you think you are in the major league but find out you are in the minors? Well, there is nothing wrong with requesting a draft here. You can switch teams, but have the respect to tell the woman what it is. Respect, understand, and be gentle with her feelings. You remember playing T-ball as a kid? The sport where you used the bat to hit the ball off the little post that held it up for you? Nothing was thrown at your face. It was presented in a way that you wouldn’t get hurt and you would still feel validated. In other words, let her down easy. Now don’t get me wrong, men can catch feelings too, so ladies this article could very well be flipped.

Why is communication so hard? Men, women are more likely to get emotional because you guys assume you understand us better than we understand ourselves. Really and truly there is only one man who can understand a woman or a man better than themselves and that is God. No, you are not God. Stop it. Miscommunication ruins friendships, relationships, and marriages. I’ve seen it happen, and the majority of the time it is because one person is speaking English and assumes the other person is speaking French, when they are actually speaking English! It’s just one or both persons were too busy assuming to actually hear what the other one was saying. Deal with each other with respect. Treat each other like human beings. I promise 99 of your problems will be solved if you practice these basic things. Can I get an Amen?


Categories: Relationships/Love

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