Thoughts on the word unconditional….

Do people love for the right reasons anymore? I mean really, I’m curious. In 2011 is there anyone out there who loves for the right reasons? I’ve been loved by men before. Let’s use my two most serious relationships as examples. The first person loved me because I was pretty and intelligent, and they saw a future with someone who had those qualities, that’s it. This same person was very critical of me, how ironic. The second, he maybe loved most of me. I’d say 80% of me he loved. The other 20% he neglected to explore. He was happy with that 80% so the other 20% didn’t really concern him, he was too busy with his career to give it attention. As you can imagine both of these relationships eventually failed. I am so incredibly tired of being loved for the wrong reasons. I have come to terms with the fact that I am not perfect. I have flaws. There are things about myself I do not necessarily like. Nonetheless, I have accepted my imperfection, am aware of my flaws, and am working to change the things about myself that I dislike. Yet in spite of those things I still love myself. I have great self-esteem and a great sense of self-worth. Some of that being linked to the fact that I am totally aware of the Lord’s unconditional love for me.

Unconditional. That’s a big word. What does it mean anyway? To love someone unconditionally? Do we fall in love with someone and vow to love them unconditionally? Then we later discover unchangeable things we dislike that we reluctantly have to brush under the rug because of the word unconditional? Or do we meet someone and learn all their unchangeable eccentricities or flaws and still love them despite these things, which then makes our love unconditional? I’d say its a little of both, that is, if we are talking about real love. Love is a strong thing. It can make you see past things, or make things seem insignificant when placed to stand next to love. Does the fact that he’s not cut like a basketball player really matter? Love outweighs these things. I hate when people say “I will never settle.” Because in a way we all settle. Loving unconditionally involves settling. I am going to settle for a man who has a bit of a gut and maybe budding AA man boobs even though I love muscular men (this is not really one of my preferences, in fact I’ve dated pretty thin not so defined men) because I am in love! In fact I’ve even grown to love his man boobs! I am going to settle for a woman who is Jewish even though I always wanted to marry a Catholic because I am in love! Isn’t it amazing how love can come along and totally change everything we envisioned in a mate? How all those things that were so important become so insignificant?

Unconditional is a promising word if interpreted one way. “Even if I move up to a size 10 from a size 8 after I give you five children you will still love me because our love is not based on superficial things, its unconditional!” Yet it can also be a dangerous word if misinterpreted. “I know he’s verbally abusive, but I love him unconditionally!” There are still conditions involved with giving and receiving love. Those conditions being the ingredients to love eg. referencing to the biblical definition – Love is patient, love is kind etc. Or whatever your definition may be.. So really love is both conditional and unconditional. I will still love you if we are dirt poor, you’re old and saggy, and you can no longer get it up šŸ™‚ as long as your love does not change. I will still even hold your hand and claim you in public! Luther Vandross sings a song I absolutely love called “I’d rather.” Here is a line from that song: “I’d rather have bad times with you, then good times with someone else. I’d rather be beside you in a storm, then safe and warm by myself. I’d rather have bad times together then to have it easy apart. I rather have the one who holds my heart.” My love is unconditional, I would never leave you out in a storm by yourself. Beautiful song huh? Thus unconditional love also involves making sacrifices.

Unconditional love is very important for a relationship to survive. If you are going to love someone you have to accept where they are in life, accept where they are on their journey, and love them even if they haven’t reached the finish line. We would all be fools to believe in perfection. We are all forever and always going to be under construction. Loving involves not being afraid of pot holes or unpaved road. Even when a road is perfectly paved and has no pot holes, the weather changes so unexpectedly that anything can come along and deconstruct. If we loved expecting perfection or a perfectly smooth ride what happens to that love if a storm hits? An earthquake? Would we pack up and abandon that place? Or would we stick around to reconstruct that place. To fill in the potholes. Even if the other person want’s to fill in those potholes on their own, would you still be there to cheer them on? Wait patiently? Be there in case they needed an extra shovel? Or just be there because having someone there makes a difference? The person who loves unconditionally will make the latter choices. Don’t get me wrong, some journeys people have to go on alone in life, but realize that the construction is never going to cease. Sort of like living in Massachusetts! LOL!

I want to be loved for being perfectly imperfect, and because despite the fact I have flaws, I am aware of them and I am working on them. I want to be loved even if those flaws are unchangeable. When men come along and have complaints about things that are just part of who I am or my personality, I know it’s never going to work. For instance, I am a thinker, I have deep thoughts and I often express these deep thoughts. Either you think I’m totally insane, or you think I’m intuitive and appreciate the way I think. Someone who wants to help you change things you realize need changing or points out things to you which you then agree need changing is okay. But never be with someone who wants to change who you intrinsically are. God made you perfectly, just how he wanted you to be. Wait for the one who will love everything about you, even the man boobs or the eccentric thinking. Wait for unconditional.

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Categories: Relationships/Love

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