Some reflections on “closure”

We have all had “bad” relationships or bad experiences in a relationship. Sometimes we walk away slam the door and never look back. Sometimes we turn around a go back. Sometimes we open the window and take a quick look. Sometimes we peak through our fingers. I’ve realized that when we slam that door, and we don’t ever look back, there is so much junk behind that door that we fail to realize that it doesn’t even slam shut. In fact it doesn’t even close. It can’t, there is too much stuff pushing against it. All of those things are pouring out and following us and we can’t even realize it because we are so determined to move on and never look back. Nonetheless, I’ve come to realize that looking back is important. It is actually very important. I don’t mean taking a quick peak through the window, or through our fingers covering our eyes, neither of those are sufficient. I mean we need to do a 180 degree turn, firm like they do in the army, and stare what’s back there straight in the eye. That is the only way we can close that door, no, clean/sort out what’s behind that door. Closure is such an important thing.

Eryka Badu sings a song that I will forever and always love called “Bag Lady.” Here are some lines from that song: “Bag lady you gon hurt your back, dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you all you must hold on to, is you, is you, is you. One day all them bags gon get in your way. One day all them bags gon get in your way. I said one day all them bags gone get in your way. So pack light.” When those things pour out of that closet they become baggage that we are unaware of. The baggage weighs us down. The things behind the closet affect our perspective on life, shaping who we are, and future relationships IF we don’t get rid of them. Closure can come in many different forms, there are not specific requirements for something to be called closure. Sometimes closure may involve the other person, sometimes they won’t be good enough of a person to give you this closure, or sometimes they may not be able to handle the closure themselves. You have to actively find your own closure when you turn around and stare what’s behind you in the eye. Ghost’s. That’s almost what those things in the closet become like. They creep up on you when you least expect it, they float out of dark corners, they scare you on dark nights, they whisper things in your slumber. They may even hop in bed with you and your new love! You have to get rid of those ghosts. You have to make peace with them so they can cross over to the other side.

Forgiveness is such a spectacular thing! Honestly it really is. It takes a very loving heart to forgive. Apologizing is equally as spectacular! It takes a lot of bravery to give an apology, and a lot of self acceptance and self recognition of flaws or wrong doings which is sometimes a very difficult task for people. Apologies really mean a lot. As simple as those words are, when they come from the heart, they really mean a lot. BUT don’t wait on apologies, you may not always get them. Oddly enough, giving and apology and accepting one can feel quite similar afterwords. It’s like the sense of a weight being lifted off your chest. They can also be very validating for some. People who just walk away, and never say I’m sorry are cowards and very selfish or weak people. Be prepared to encounter those in your lifetime. Sometimes people can exhaust the words “I’m sorry” wear them out of style. Be prepared to encounter those people too. But if an ex has stepped out of the closet to apologize, don’t slam the door in their face, give them the opportunity to say the words. You’re a better person for it, and it will help the door close. An apology is not an eraser. What happened will be in the history of your life forever even if it’s on page 8 and your on page 299. But at least it will stay on page 8.

Of course closure can come in other ways, and has to come in other ways considering we may not always get an apology. Sometimes we even need to apologize to ourselves, and sometimes we need to forgive ourselves. You can make peace with those ghosts in other ways, you can face them in other ways. Let go of regrets. Stop wishing that you could go back in time and change the way you dealt with a relationship, go back and be smarter etc. You can’t. Time machines do not exist. Sorry. So don’t be full of regrets, be free of regrets. Everything happens for a reason. Yep, it’s true. Things fall apart so better things can fall together. Ever been in a relationship and it ended, and you are so convinced that you will never ever ever ever ever find another mate that makes you feel like the one you just split with did? Like the person was so totally supposed to be your soul mate and now you are doomed to “settle?” If you find yourself thinking that way, think this instead: One day you will find someone who will make you feel as wonderful as that person made you feel times 100. That thought is almost orgasmic. There is a blessing in every lesson. So take the lesson for what it is. We learn so much about ourselves through our relationships! Think about what you have learned about you, learning about yourself should never be regretful.

I spoke in previous posts about other ways to find closure, such as getting read of artifacts etc. It’s funny how the person who screwed up usually realizes they did so once you are moved on. It happens so many time that we begin to wait for it, or even secretly hope for it. Don’t. It’s like enticing ghosts to follow you. Sort through the things in that closet. Decide whats worth holding onto and whats not. Sort through your feelings, face your feelings. Sometimes it’s a scary thing to look back. Sometimes we feel ashamed, embarrassed, or sad or even sorry for ourselves when we do. That’s okay. You have to look back at that person that you were in that relationship and love them, nurture them, and accept that fact that you went through what you went through. But also realize you survived, and there is a reason you survived it. Give that person you were a tight hug, and show them how much you’ve grown and changed and more importantly how much you’ve learned. Make peace with yourself. Then move on. Closure is a significant part of healing. You can’t slap a bandage on that cut, especially if it’s deep, and expect it to just heal on its own. Most likely it will get infected and become real painful. Put some bacitracin on it. Let it heal.

Relationships, whether they be familial, intimate or just friendship, make up vignettes, short stories, and novels of our lives. They play a major role in our experience on this earth, in our development, our perspective on life, shaping who we are, basically everything. We were meant to interact with each other, and somehow this interaction gives consistent meaning to or lives. Love. Love, humans, and God are all so closely linked. God loves us, and our love for each other is an expression of Gods love. God is love. Therefore love, whatever category it fits into, is major important component of these various relationships. People so often disagree on what love is, or how long it takes to love somebody, or how you know that you indeed love a person. Knowing if you love someone seems to be the most debated question; “How do you know if you really love hm/her?” However, in my opinion, recognizing love should be the question we spend more time investigating and hypothesizing about. Remember, the bible gives a pretty solid definition. Look for those things. Relationships are complicated at times. They don’t always last. When they don’t closure does a lot. You’ll find you don’t even have to slam the door behind you because everything that behind that door stays behind the door and doesn’t care to follow you. You’re load will be a lot lighter.


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