Why wont she leave him?….

Ever have that girlfriend who’s with that guy she’s clearly too good for? The one who does her wrong time after time and she always takes him back, and it makes you feel like slapping her into reality! We’ve all either been that girl, or been friends with that girl. So there has to be some reason other than secret government implanted magnets keeping her going back to him. I honestly doubt it’s some governmental conspiracy against women. So why do we stay with no good men when we know they are no good?

How many of you women would like for your virginity to be something you get back after you break up with the man of your dreams, later discovered loser you gave it to? A woman’s virginity is such a precious thing, more precious than we actually give it recognition now a day. The loss of your innocence, your passage into the over sexualized world, and propulsion towards the confusing thing called love. It’s no surprise a gal gets emotionally attached to her first. How many of you stayed with the guy you lost it to for that reason? You feel a certain way when it doesn’t work out. Dude, I just gave you the most precious gift and there is absolutely no way for me to get it back, and you’re saying it’s not working out? So what do women do? We put in slave labor to try to make the relationship work. We take crap that we probably wouldn’t take from any other man, we end up in a boxing match with them until we’ve beaten the relationship to a pulp, and we realize we don’t love the person after all. Finally we throw up our hands and accept the fact that the dream of marrying our first love is not going happen. I’ve always been a strong advocate of waiting until marriage when giving advice to young girls. Nonetheless “know yourself before you let anyone else know you,” I think is excellent advice.

“I know he cheated on me, I’m not happy, but we’ve just been together so long! We’ve built so much! I don’t want to start from scratch all over again! I mean what if I don’t meet anyone else? What if the next person doesn’t do all the things I like that he does? What if I end up alone?”  Yes, the ultimate fear of being propelled back into the world of being single, alone, and dating! Some women get so used to having a man around that the idea of being alone may seem terrifying, and the chances of meeting someone else they connect with may seem grim. Take the risk? Or stick it out? In my opinion, happiness should never be compromised. You can compromise a dozen things in a relationship for it to work. We all compromise ourselves in some way for a relationship to work, but happiness and experiencing love are two things that should be incapable of compromise. Weigh the pros and cons of leaving someone, but never be afraid of being alone. My favorite line from the movie “PS I Love You” is “even if you are alone, you are not alone in that” or something to that effect. Basically, you aren’t the only one who has gone through it. No test is greater than those others have had to face.

Many women just can’t stand to see their happily ever after not come to be.  Everyone thinks you’re perfectly happy. How embarrassing it would be for people to discover that your fairytale is not all it’s cracked up to be? Or even if it’s not about everyone else, how difficult to come to terms with the fact that everything you built was built in vain? The blood, sweat, and tears you put into the relationship mean nothing. You were supposed to get married, have children, die old together, and all of a sudden everything just crumbles in an instant. So you get down on your knees and try to hold on to all the pieces, you try to glue the foundation back together, but it’s hopeless because the wind is already blowing them away. Letting go, is indeed a difficult task so too often we try to resurrect something that is no more.

“He’s so smart! He’s just not applying himself! If he would just quit smoking weed and drinking! He could do so much more with his life! I’m encouraging him to get back in school!”  I’ve heard women say these things, and I too have said them in the past. This is the chronic “I want so much more for him than he wants for himself” syndrome. A woman knows her is man is capable. Her man is smart. In fact she’s held very intelligent conversations with him. She knows he could be successful at something. She’s in love with his potential. What we fail to realize is, we can want the world for someone, and we can encourage them with every encouragement bone in our bodies, but unless they want better for themselves, better will not come about. He could be doing better, he could be doing more, but he is actively choosing not to, a choice that is his own. If he is content in that choice, then changing him is a battle you will inevitably lose.

“I know he lied to me, cheated, and hit me once or twice, but I know he loves me and I love him!” This sort of statement raises the most rage towards men and frustration towards women inside me (and I do not mean any offense by that, sometimes there are deeper issues which I do understand e.g. battered women syndrome.  For this discussion let’s not get so deep)! You know he loves you? How could someone who does those sorts of things possibly have any idea what love is? Even if the man did love her, love is not the only thing that should keep you with someone! Some women are too afraid to give up their love or use their love to justify the things they take from men. “But I’m feeling this for a reason? How can I just walk out on love?” As if to say feeling love is some holy ordained thing that it would be incredibly blasphemous to forsake! Don’t get me wrong, love is godly, it is sacred, but we were born to love. We can love wild things, we can love the wickedest people in our lives, we can love our enemies, it doesn’t mean we have to be with them and be hurt by them for love’s sake.

Low self esteem may also play a role in why some women stay with no good men. We love so intensely that we sometimes forget about another very important type of love, self-love. We put ourselves second in a detrimental way. It breaks my heart to see women with worthless men because they honestly don’t believe they can get or deserve anything better. You really must love yourself fiercely before you can love anyone else, and from a religious perspective, you have to be entirely sure of God’s love for you before you can give love or be loved.

In the words of Keyshia Cole “You need to get if he don’t wanna! Love you the right way he ain’t gonna! It ain’t where he’s at its where he, where he wanna be!”

 

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Categories: Jamaica Observer, Relationships/Love

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