My reflections on the dating game in 2011…

Ever see the movie “He’s just not that into you?” If you haven’t, rent it, watch it, and believe everything in it, because it’s absolutely true! As a teen I hoped that when I entered into the professional twenties the games guys and gals played would disintegrate and people would start being real. You can imagine my disappointment. I’m pushing on 26, it’s all the same. Men still lie to get what they want and they are still after only one thing. Disclaimer: don’t misinterpret my post. I am not a bitter woman or a man basher, I am just a person who appreciates people who have the balls enough to say what they mean, and mean what they say rather than lie or not say anything at all. This post is just some general things I’ve noticed when observing people’s experiences around me as well as my own.

Games! Whoever said that dating and relationships should be a game? I’d really like to find that person and give them a piece of my mind. “Don’t show him you’re too interested.” “Don’t always text him back right away.” “Don’t tell him how you feel.” “Don’t always go out with him when he asks you.” These things make my head spin! There are too many rules! If I’m interested, why shouldn’t I show him I’m interested? If I want to talk to him and enjoy talking to him, why shouldn’t I answer his texts? If I’m feeling something, why shouldn’t I let him know? If I enjoy being with him, why shouldn’t I go out when he asks me? The answer I usually get is he will take advantage of the fact that you like him and know he has you “on lock.” Meaning, you will always be there when he calls, if he tells you to jump…well you know the rest. So I have been socially programmed to go into relationships with men with the belief that they are trying to get over on me. I mean why so negative? I believe in giving what you get. If he’s answering my texts right away etc, why shouldn’t I do the same? I don’t mind the idea of a man “chasing” me; in fact I believe men typically should be the pursuers. Nonetheless, it’s 2011. If I see something that I want, why shouldn’t I go after it? What is so terrible about me asking a man out on a date? And why is it that if women do ask the man, the man automatically assumes she’s interested in sex?

I truly believe that if both men and women were as honest as the characters in “The Invention of Lying” dating would be 50% easier. I mean what if you meet a guy who say’s to you “You turn me on. I want to have sex with you. Preferably multiple times, if it’s good that is. I may not be interested in you after but there is a possibility that I may be. Would you like to take the chance with me?” How many women would prefer this to a man telling you what you wanted to hear just to get into your pants? Personally, I would prefer the truth to a lie. Options, it’s all about options. We as human beings for the most part have autonomy, something extremely valuable to our existence. I should have the option to decide if I want to take the risk of having sex with you no strings attached, rather than being tricked into doing so (not saying I’ve ever been tricked. But there are some real Oscar worthy actors out there). Say the sex was bad and he says to you “I really did not enjoy sex with you; therefore I probably won’t call you again, unless I think the second time may be better. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try it.” Would you prefer this to the guy who just never calls you back? I honestly believe it takes big cojones and lots of guts to tell a guy or girl you are no longer interested. So if he’s not giving you the time of day, STOP texting him and leaving messages on his voicemail, he has no balls. He’s just not that into you and is too punk to tell you. Yeah it hurts. You cannot make someone, force someone, or convince someone to like or love you.

If a man tells you he will not lose respect for you if you sleep with him early in the dating process, he’s telling you a bold face lie. The faster you give it to him, the faster you die in his eyes. You just wilt like a flower. Yep, we are still living in the age of the double standard. In the back of his head he can’t help but wonder “did she give it up this fast for her last boyfriend? The one before that? Am I dating an easy girl?” Not to mention, its great ammunition to fire at you if you guys ever date and break up. Silly isn’t it? Really and truly men are “giving it up” early too. Consider this when you meet a guy you like. If he’s all about sex right away, he’s probably just all about sex period. In 2011 we have totally forgotten the idea of the “gentleman.” Not to say that there aren’t men out there who are mature enough to recognize women have sexual needs just like men, and I am not advocating sex early in the dating process; I personally think that sex confuses emotions if you do it too early. Nonetheless, women are human too and we have sexual desires and needs just like a man. Still, at the end of the day, best bet is to keep it in your pants. Let a man show you he’s interested in more than getting between your thighs. SHOW, not TELL, there is a big difference there. “I love you” “I care about you” etc are just words grouped together.

You will know if he is interested. If you find yourself making excuses for a man you meet within the first two weeks of talking to him, he’s probably full of you know what. If you text a man who has expressed his interest in you, he should text you back within a reasonable time frame, no excuses. Oh come on, we all have done it “Oh, he’s super busy with work!” “Maybe his phone died” “He could have left his phone at home.” Be for real. Stop lying to yourself. Depending on your dexterity, in this day and age of technology it typically takes only seconds to type and send a text message. Ever have a man be consistently inconsistent? He responds to your messages consistently for a day or two, then the next time you text him you feel like you’re talking to cyber space? Either he has a girlfriend, women, or he’s just dropping enough bait to keep you interested, most likely because he’s hoping to score. He’s just not that into you.

Cheating! Ha, the worst! If you wanted to have sex with someone else, why wouldn’t you just end the relationship? People are selfish! It’s a fact. Some people just have this sense of entitlement and narcissism. In my book, there is NO EXCUSE for cheating. If I can stay faithful to you, you should be able to do the same for me. I’m not saying everyone is perfect, but if a man does cheat on me and I give him a second chance, best believe it’s going to be a steep uphill climb to rebuild (not to imply I wouldn’t just dump him, quite possibly, I would). Just a little reality check for any males reading this, real “players” don’t have to lie about their “women on the side.” In fact their “main” girl is totally aware of the other girls and is okay with their existence. Take Lil Wayne for example, his “baby mamas” who were pregnant by him at the same time, were congratulating each other, supposedly. Imitation or “wanna be players” are the deceitful sticky moving men.

I strongly believe there is something called the back burner, back pocket chick in the man world. This is a girl who a man recognizes is “marriage material.” She possesses all the qualities he would want in a wife, mother of his children etc, but he is not ready to be in a serious committed relationship that would potentially represent the path towards saying “I do.” Either he (as I mentioned above) does enough to keep her around e.g. giving her the attention she needs, doing boyfriend like thing, or he enters into a relationship with her in which he is chronically unfaithful (although she may not know this).

Unfortunately, lying was invented by someone somewhere and everyone else in the world picked up on it, so expecting every man or woman you meet to be honest and up front with you would probably be incredibly stupid to be quite frank. The maturity level of men in relation to their age has so shifted for the worse. Ever meet and older man and get excited because you think his wild days are over? Then three months down the line you’re pulling your hair out? Hmm, maybe we should be able to beat men on their bottoms with a belt before we dump them; I think I’d do it. Act like a child and I’ll treat you like one. What ever happened to “courting?” Inviting me to your house at 12am every night to watch movie and hang out is not courting. Also, a lot of the things I talked about are only things that shady men do, most likely not the type of men neither I nor you would be interested in dating, but remember, shady men come in all sorts of disguises. You just never know. That being said, will all the real men please stand up?

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Categories: Relationships/Love

2 replies

  1. I agree with just about everything you said. With that said I also firmly believe in true love. I believe that there is someone out there for me who will appreciate me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I had true love at one point and it ran its course. I believe we all have several soul mates. I believe there are good men and more specifically good black men out there. I have to believe all of this because if I do not then what is the alternative.

  2. Natalia I totally agree. I refuse to be a rock when I know I am a gem. There is someone out there who appreciates gems. One of my favorite quotes from Sex in the City is “Some love stories aren’t epic novels, some are short stories. But, that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.”

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